If you notice this notice, you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing.
This post is to test the abilities of a new tool I’m going to use. And if it works, please expect to see updates on Wednesday, weekly.
The Bi-polarbears staff.
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Kai on October 22nd, 2008
Image by Shutterhack via Flickr
Steps to happiness
Connect
Developing relationships with family, friends, colleagues and neighbours will enrich your life and bring you support
Be active
Sports, hobbies such as gardening or dancing, or just a daily stroll will make you feel good and maintain mobility and fitness
Be curious
Noting the beauty of everyday moments as well as the unusual and reflecting on them helps you to appreciate what matters to you
Learn
Fixing a bike, learning an instrument, cooking – the challenge and satisfaction brings fun and confidence
Give
Helping friends and strangers links your happiness to a wider community and is very rewarding.
Does this sound like anything familiar? This is my list every day.
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Kai on October 10th, 2008
Stress, at any time, is a bad thing, but during economic downturns, when things are looking grim, it’s harder to remain positive, espeicially when you have money worries.
Though we rarely talk about ‘the real world’ and real world solutions on Bi-polarbears, I thought it would be a good time to address things.
Panic is not productive
Panic is one of the few things you should NOT do. Unless you really need the money, because you’ll be making a loss, don’t sell anything - your house or shares, if you have them. Sit tight.
Panic also doesn’t help your mental health either - stress isn’t good for anyone, but those with mental health concerns are usually far more succeptable to worries.
Budget and stick to it
Budgeting and sticking to plans you’re making will put you in control, but you can also ‘budget’ your mental health in some ways. If you have a predictable patter, if you can, keep treats for when you’re feeling low - if you’re saving them for occassions you really need them, they’ll last better, and make YOU feel better.
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Kai on September 3rd, 2008
(author’s note - this was written in response to a lecturer questioning why I couldn’t move my appointment for councelling. I think I really upset her, but at least she knew that I could document appropriately - I thought it was worth sharing)
Xposted to Kai@LJ and bi-polarbears
Written, 10th October 2007.
I wrote this entry because I’m of the opinion that people (in general) don’t understand how it feels to be like me. And though this is mainly complaint, I’m going to start with the positive.
Being bipolar is awesome in many ways. It’s something I’ll never change - never remove, because to remove it is to alter, at the core, what I am. I was asked a while back what I’d do if there was a cure for bipolar disorder - and I answered that I liked being bipolar. It sucks when I’m depressed, but I guess that’s my price for being brilliant occasionally. Dave said to me once, that I’m as awe inspiring and bright as a star when I’m at my best. I don’t know if he’s right, but I do know that I see things differently. Colours are, whole experiences for me. Trees are an amazing juxtaposition of terror and wonder for me - I’m scared of the world, on the whole, but incredibly at peace in the heart of nature. Despite the fact that though I see beauty everywhere, it’s incredibly difficult NOT to see danger too.
I think differently too - I tell stories that others just don’t think of - like merry-go-rounds full of corpses, and being shot in the head by one of my characters, cause he didn’t like ‘Mary sues’ - he thought, it turned out, that I was IAB (he’s a police man). And there, I betray my other oddity. I think of my characters as real people, living in my head. It gets slightly schizophrenic in there sometimes - when I’m arguing with my pen names, and my characters. I’ve likened it to a ‘green room’ - and mostly, they wait their turn.
There’s more good to being bipolar than that - my memory doesn’t work well, but I have an unerring ability to see the conclusion of most stories. I’m not always good for that, but most of the time, I see twists coming. I don’t think in straight lines either - I’ve got ‘intuitive’ down to a fine art. One of my counsellors said it was something like parallel processing - I just think I consider things differently.
It’s an unenviable position to be in - knowing, with crystal clarity, exactly how dark things get. How much it hurts, till every breath literally paralyzes me because it’s all I can do without crying. Sitting up in bed makes me cry. Texting a friend and begging them to help me before I do something stupid fills me with shame. Crying in public is about the ‘worst’ of the sins I can commit. I was always told not to make a fuss, not to cry. People aren’t used to seeing others crying in public. We cry in private - just as we hurt ourselves where others can’t see. We do it because we’re already hurting others with our sadness, our inability to interact and be the people they need, so we stay home.
I don’t choose to be bipolar - its part of my genetic code. Therapy - the one that I go to anyway - is designed to teach me ways - not to live with it myself, but to cope with the fact that there are people that don’t understand, or choose not to. Invariably ‘normal’ people think that they won’t ever hit the stage that I’m at. And I sometimes look at them and hope they don’t. It takes a very strong person to survive as a bipolar, and even in my broken state, I’m stronger than most.
And at the same time, I’m weak. I can’t deal with people fussing over me. I can’t stand it for my friends to be put out, but at the same time, I deeply need them. I can’t be alone, but I don’t want company. It’s like having something inside your head throwing a hissy fit no matter what choice you make. Dammed if you do.
The worst of it is the feeling that it’s screaming in there, constantly. There’s this, glassy, numb feeling in my head - like it’s full of ice. Slide down a bit, and my cheeks are burning - it’s either hot, stinging, painful tears, or because I’m mortally embarrassed and trying not to cry. I wish myself dead frequently when that hits me, not because I want to hurt others - but because I want to STOP hurting them.
I’m competitive at the best of times, but when I start falling out of ‘favour’ - either in reality, or because I just don’t understand, that hurts me too. I can’t laugh it off and bounce back now - and I misunderstand and second guess so often it’s hard to get people to actually talk to me. I question everything - from whether the kids are mine, to sometimes, whether life is real. I’ve been known to deliberately do something stupid just to test it - like cut myself. I’m mortally ashamed of that too - perversely though the scars remind me I’ve survived again. Each notch though gets that little bit deeper. I’ve nicked an artery twice doing that and it’s so hard to explain to doctors, cause that’s one of the few cardinal sins of mental health. We don’t hurt others, and if we can help it, we don’t start self harming.
And that’s the thing. It’s not exactly a compulsion. I’m incredibly lucky. I don’t like drawing my own blood, but if it comes down to it, I need some reason for the amount of pain I’m in. If I know there’s something physical there, I can live with it - or at least hang on till I can breathe again without thinking about it.
I’m paranoid too. I get scared that I’m going to burn down the house - or that someone’s coming to get me. I’m highly suggestive - if someone says something to me often enough, even if it directly competes with my beliefs, it’ll stay with me. This means I can be influenced to another point of view, eventually. Worse than that, I actually believe in ghosts and axe murderers and other stuff that, to be honest, is fairly unlikely, but still possible. When the nuclear threat starts ramping up, or they talk about terrorists, I start working out how to get back to David and my children. As far as I’ve worked out, I’ll get about halfway home, if I’m lucky, if it happened at Uni. I’m terrified by that, but I have no control over it, so it’s a fairly moot point. When I’m really having trouble with other stuff though, that starts really bothering me.
Things like leaving the gas fire on - or the cooker - or the boiler randomly exploding, a fire in the garage - a fire next door - a fire in the attic cause of the electrics. Those things I know about and I check for. I wake up about 10 times a night and check the house. Sometimes I just see if I can smell anything in the air. Other times I’ll check the whole house. Where we used to live, I couldn’t hear the rain.
Here, I hear it, and the first time I woke up and it was raining that hard, I thought someone was in the bathroom washing off knives. I couldn’t move for four hours.
That’s called sleep paralysis. It’s also called ‘night terrors’ - something most psychologists think we outgrow as children. It’s got many names - though the most poetic is the Japanese description, kanashibari, which, roughly translated means, bound in metal. I also get the other half of that aspect, hallucinations. Sometimes I forget, but most of the time I remember.
When I’m very depressed, or incredibly stressed, I disassociate. It’s like flicking a switch. One minute I’ll be stammering along - and the next I’ll be gone, completely. I think my nose is bleeding, or at least I’ve been told that I act as if it is, and wipe it, usually till it does. I don’t talk, and certainly don’t recognize people talking to me. And I’m usually inconsolable coming out of it - to the degree that the only way Dave’s found of shaking me out of it - something that a psychologist in Edinburgh corroborated, is getting me to respond to something tactile. It’s a bit difficult to carry my furry blanket around with me during the day, but that’s what worked last time.
The sum of all of this that sometimes I can’t cope with the real world. Not because I don’t want to, but because I don’t want to put people in the position of needing to work out how to handle me. It’s really unfair, but I’ve never met a group of people, on the whole that knows what to do with me. More importantly, I don’t interact well with the bits of the ‘world’ I should, and that distresses my friends. Which is disruptive, which, in turn, triggers yet more guilt in me. So, I usually choose not to put myself in that position willingly - there’s no promising I won’t go there, occasionally, unwillingly, but if I can avoid it, I don’t go out at all when I’m having a bad time, and head home if I know I’m going to be triggered into it. Therapy triggers me a lot. Not always, but often enough to make me cautious.
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Kai on August 13th, 2008
One of my freinds sleeps eight hours a day, every day. When this pattern is disturbed, even by half an hour, he feels sluggish, under the weather, less creative and able to function. If he sleeps too long he’s unaffected.
Another freind of mine needs seven hours sleep. She’s trained herself into that sleep pattern, and if she oversleeps she feels dopey and not with it all day.
Me? I do perfectly on four hours of sleep a day. I manage ok if I sleep longer, and not too badly if I sleep less - but most nights, all I sleep is four hours a night. Which means, on average, I have two to four hours more productive time than other people do.
Correlations and fact
My point is that ‘normality’ is the setting on appliances - normality in humans only occurs because we’re either working to an expected ‘norm’ - or that expected norm has been formulated because people have reported it as thier experience. When that catalyses, it becomes a norm. Norms are something that can create barriers - or offer a benchmark to kick them down. It’s our choice, as a society.
What do you think? Any sleeping anecdotes you’d like to share?
(head nod to Chris Brogan for bringing up the subject on his blog)
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Kai on July 25th, 2008
Bi-polar disorder isn’t something that a lot of us consider an asset - but if you look at it from another angle, it’s a mark of something more.
Those of us with mental health problems can count ourselves in esteemed company:
Hugh Laurie
Stephen Fry
Axyl Rose (front man of Guns and Roses)
Virginia Woolfe
Sting (front man of the band Police, and pop star as a solo artist)
Sylvia Plath
As you can see, each person on this tiny list is considered excentric, or has at one point gone off the rails in one way or another - some succumbed to the urges that the illness inspired, and others have fought back. Some are winning, in a public way, and others are working on it as they go.
Mostly though I wanted to highlight that it’s not something that we’re facing alone - and that it affects us no matter where we are in our lives - and where we are in our carreers.
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Kai on May 21st, 2008
Yep, we made it to five at last!
I missed it too. I was so wrapped up in University that I commented on my personal blog and completely forgot to say something here.
Being five means we’ve managed, roughly, one post every two months. Its not a great record, but its one to beat ;). In all honesty and fairness, I had to remove a lot of posts, because they talked about things that later ended up in my first book Pictures In the Dark. And then I removed some more because the staff that wrote them dropped out of touch and we were updating our pages, and I didn’t feel it right to leave them there.
Speaking of which - its under final revision at the moment, so should be available very soon. And my best freind and adopted sister and I have started another book - called the You Ledger. I’m hoping it’ll be a great companion for those people who enjoy time management books and more.
So happy birthday us!
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Kai on April 24th, 2008
Ignorance is wonderful isn’t it?
I mean, its really nice to get up in the morning, be depressed and ratty and get a freind demanding to know why I’m taking my ‘PMT’ out on them. I remember that a couple of years ago, I wrote an article that explained, in fairly non-threatening language, what it felt like to be bipolar, and that though being bipolar itself isn’t an excuse for behaving badly *because we can* - it did explain why, occassionally, we didn’t socialise ‘properly’.
And I got to thinking.
I’ve had to explain bipolar disorder for so long in terms that others can relate to that I’ve found that I’ve lost some of my impact. That’s not a good thing.
So just a quick statement.
BIPOLAR DISORDER is not PMT. BUT - if it gives you a reference point to understand how we cope (or don’t in some cases) more the better. Just remember its a reference point. Like PMT, bipolars don’t have an control over how they are feeling - unlike PMT, it doesn’t go away and doesn’t only affect one gender.
I think that if you’re bipolar and that way of looking at it really offends you - that’s your choice, but I would also like to point out that if something is so alien to someone that they assume you are dangerous, crazy or unstable constantly in the first place, its my view that a reference point, no matter how strange, is better than none at all.
And no - at no point did I actually compare bipolar disorder to PMT - you can see the origional article that lead to this post here: What is…
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Kai on January 12th, 2008
This is a free article reprint.
Please do NOT edit the resource box and ensure all links are intact.
There are two incredibly powerful words in any language – and no matter what language you encounter, there’s bound to be a way to say it (though, maybe not in two words ;)).
More powerful than I want, I need, I’m dying.
More powerful than even ‘I do’.
Those two words?
Thank you.
“The Secret” is the reason that most people know about the concept of gratitude, but I heard about if for the first time when another member of Ryze, Marilyn Jenett, in about 2004. Three and a half years later and I’m still enacting something I researched after she piqued my interest.
The concept I discovered, following Marilyn’s initial lead, was that all it takes is to say thank you.
I get up in the morning – every morning, with my children. I take care of the breakfast chores, and then I sit down in our dining room, with my diary and I make my gratitude list.
No matter how bad a morning I’m having, no matter how awful the day before.
For example: Read the rest of this entry »
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Kai on January 4th, 2008
Bi-polarbears is fast approaching its fifth anniversary, though, you wouldn’t think it from looking at the archives. Most of what we’ve removed was down to reading it back and finding it didn’t fit with our updated mantra.
I was reading back over our first newsletters just over four years ago, and wondering whether we were deliberatly naieve, or whether our tone has just updated as we’ve grown up. It was, of course, great information, groundbreaking for back then, but it was also slightly pandering. We wanted to make waves, just quietly.
NOW – I’m shouting from the rooftops wherever I go. You don’t NEED to be cowed, to be held back by whatever disorder you face. I’m back at university this year,raising my kids, living well, and thriving wherever I go. I’m updating my book on Bipolar disorder, and am looking forward to releasing that officially as soon as its finished.
So in this new year, look at what you’re doing, and how you’re living. Adjust the things that don’t work – and move with the things that do.
Happy New Year everyone!
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