I’ve spent the last year and a half or so researching books, and writing, but time and again I come back to what makes bipolars so special.

I’ve discovered that there’s no one profile of bipolars.  There’s no one way to spot us, or others - and we’re all equally unique.  Which means that the last couple of months, since I met up with a family member that wished that bipolars could have the disorder irradicated, and that there was a way to treat bipolar disorder so that it didn’t exist - I’ve been questioning what I am and what it all means to me.

The long and short of it is that bipolar disorder, for me at least, is a blessing and a curse.  There are some places I wish I could interact and deal with things better.  I wish it were easier on my partner - and I wish I didn’t have the completley obsessive trait that goes with some bipolar subfunctions.

But having said that, I love that I can work on a couple of dozen things at once (and finish them!) and I don’t really ‘think’ the way I should - which means I can see odd things - patterns and downright warped ideas.  Its a great talent for a writer - seeing things differently makes things really easy to come up with ideas that others might not.

So, I guess, I’m saying that we’re all equally unique - and bipolar disorder isn’t always a bad thing.

What do you think?

Since the release of Pictures in the Dark, we’ve had lots of praise and encouragement for our work as ‘proactive’ bi-polarbears.  But I’m wondering if what we’re being praised for is actually proactivism, or just simple common sense.

I’m 28 - I turned 28 last November.  I’ve got the common sense of a puppy in a new house.  I love to explore everything.  But even *I* know that if something feels wrong, you should look into it.  That’s common sense.

If someone tells you that bipolar disorder is bad, and that its contagious, that its what serial killers all have - why do people swallow this, and automatically shun others because of it?  Where’s the common sense?

Proactivity in any community involves taking a stand and challenging anything that seems wrong - bipolar disorder, for example, IS controlable, with meds or otherwise.  We’re productive, valuable - RARE members of society.  A bipolar with thier disorder in control, that’s comfortable to them, is a great and amazing thing.  Look at Spike Milligan - Ben Stiller -  Picasso and Da Vinci (admittedly, the last was only suggested as being bipolar).  We pay the price of our brilliance in mood swings, and though our currency is tears and days without sleep, I’ll be the first to say that its a good life.  It would be better if people would stop asking whether I was normal or not, and wouldn’t I love to function like a ‘normal’ human being.

I am normal.  I’m normal for me.  Being bipolar makes me no less ‘normal’ or no less valid than others - just means I relate to the world around me in a differnet way.

And that isn’t proactivism - its common sense.

A recent study conducted under clinical criteria highlighted something terrifying for those of us who live with, love someone with, or care for people in our community with bipolar disorder.

(extract)
Relapse and impairment in bipolar disorder

MJ Gitlin, J Swendsen, TL Heller and C Hammen
Department of Psychiatry, University of California, Los Angeles 90024- 6968, USA.

OBJECTIVE: The purpose of this study was to evaluate the outcome of bipolar disorder in the context of maintenance pharmacotherapy.
METHOD: Eighty-two bipolar outpatients were followed prospectively for a mean of 4.3 years (minimum of 2 years); symptom rating and psychosocial outcome scales were used, and pharmacotherapy was rated on a 5-point scale.
RESULTS: Despite continual maintenance treatment, survival analysis indicated a 5-year risk of relapse into mania or depression of 73%. Of those who relapsed, two-thirds had multiple relapses. Relapse could not be attributed to inadequate medication. Even for those who did not relapse, considerable affective morbidity was observed. A measure of cumulative affective morbidity appeared to be a more sensitive correlate of psychosocial functioning than was the number of relapses. Poor psychosocial outcome paralleled poor syndromal course. Poor psychosocial functioning, especially occupational disruption, predicted a shorter time to relapse. Depressions were most strongly related to social and family dysfunction.
CONCLUSIONS: Even aggressive pharmacological maintenance treatment does not prevent relatively poor outcome in a significant number of bipolar patients.

(taken from - http://ajp.psychiatryonline.org/cgi/content/abstract/152/11/1635)

These conclusions are not new - your own Doctor or GP will tell you these things, citing it as the primary reason that you should be placed and stay on medication. Its important however, to note that ‘even agressive pharmacological mantinence’ doesn’t change this outcome - meds don’t always help. The highest rates of ’success’ with bipolar disorder come from the patients that understand thier moodswings, thier reasonings, thier reactions - the underlying chemistry that changes thier moods, and thier investigation into tailoring thier own understanding and treatement of thier disorder.

Bipolar disorder is debilitating for some people - it can destroy lives, families and support structures that otherwise would survive anything - and its important to ensure that if you, or a loved one, has a mental health issue of any kind, including bipolar disorder, that you are fully informed and can face the consequences, gifts and obstacles of that diagnosis with dignity, pride and preparation.

D Kai Wilson

D Kai Wilson is a writer, artist, and bipolar one businesswoman with an avid interest in bipolar disorder.
Her first book, ‘Pictures in the Dark - a bipolar’s guide to good mental health’ is available today from http://nonfiction.booksbykai.com

Imagine, opening around 1000 emails a year, each asking you to talk them out of their suicidal mood, or tell you they aren’t crazy.

That’s what we face, with a smile, at bipolarbears every day.

Could you tell someone though, that they aren’t crazy, that what they are feeling, how they are faring with their newly or not so newly discovered mental health diagnosis is normal? Could you reassure them that they aren’t going slowly insane?

I can’t. I can’t honestly say I’m not completely and utterly off the rails. Despite the control I have over my environment, the support of my friends and family, and of course, an intimate understanding of exactly how my mind works, I can’t really, honestly say I’m not insane.

Mainly because I’m really not sure its a bad thing.

Are you?

I mean, of course – its terrible to be hospitalised – but being diagnosed, though it takes a bit of adjusting, isn’t such a bad thing. There’s a reason for how you feel for a start. The roller-coaster is something you can actually embrace, in moderation. And its an opportunity.

Yep, you read that right – its an opportunity. An opportunity for many things – to learn more about yourself, to find out more about mental health. And to connect with others.

Though, if you’re honest with yourself, if someone contacted you, asking YOU to reassure them that they aren’t crazy, what would your first reaction be?

Every year bipolarbears, my first online project, receives close to 1000 emails, begging for the answer. I’m no doctor, no scientist. And I go off the rails spectacularly several times a year. Yet we’re asked to tell people that they aren’t crazy, that its normal, that its ok to feel this way.

And each of these emails gets a personal response. But I thought it might be good to repeat it.

You’re not crazy, normal is a setting on a washing machine, and of course its OK to feel whichever way you want, as long as you’re not a danger to yourself, or others. If you are, something needs addressed in an environment that may not seem like a haven, but can be about as safe as you can hope for, and that’s under medical care. Not necessarily hospitalisation, but at least under some form of supervision.

Something that you should remember though, is that approaching other bipolars and asking if you’re crazy, can hurt them too. It smarts, partly because some of us have been in that position, and partly because that’s how some of the less knowledgeable members of society see bipolar disorder.

We’re not crazy. We’re not even really different. We just relate to our emotions and feel them in a way that seems odd. We’re still human, still people – still capable of loving, hating, living. We’re still those that you love, those that you work with. Just with a different label.

People need to start taking responsibility for their words – so asking another bipolar if you are crazy WILL hurt them – it hurts me to hear someone say that – to read it in an email. If you’re crazy, and you’re bipolar, and that’s the ONLY reason for it, then, of course, I’m crazy, my friends are crazy, my staff are crazy.

Oh, did I forget to mention that?

We’re not an exception to the rule here - we’re rewriting them.  There’s no where in thewhole world that says you can’t be a great person - no matter what you are, or what you have - no where that says you can’t succeed in your dreams.  No where that says your perception of the world is wrong - just…different.

I don’t revel in my mood swings, but I’m adjusting, slowly, to understanding myself, and understanding what makes me tick. And I use what I can of it to my advantage.

I’m multi published – a recognised poet, and photographer – an artist of a decent calibre – a coder with a love for all things clients, and of course, a writer. I’m a success.

And I think some of it is down to accepting and embracing that no, I’ll never ‘function’ in an environment that doesn’t take into account my rather special, if not strange outlook, but I can still contribute to the world around me, and do so in a positive way.

All it takes is three simple words.

“Live, thrive, Survive!”

I hope you’ll join me.

Once a year I find myself in the position of offering an ‘open letter’ of sorts to a community. Last year, it was web design and hosting – this year, its far closer to home.

My name is Kai and I’m bipolar one.

I define myself in those blank, coverall terms, because, like telling people I’m British, or a writer, or artist, or designer or anything else, I am what I was created as. It doesn’t define me, not exactly, but it should give people an idea of what to expect – IF they know what it means.

Increasingly, lately, I’ve found that people just don’t.

Mental health is a muddy torrent of terms, information streams – its messed up even further by the loud and more often than not, flat out wrong assumptions those of US with diagnoses tell people. And to confuse it even further, people think that they can diagnose themselves.

Self diagnosis, in its place, as a tool or starting point when you go to your doctor is wonderful. Its something that, in its place, can help you to start adjusting as quickly as you are able and it means its not a shock out of the blue.

There’s no reason to remain undiagnosed – and no reason to make others feel bad by playing the ‘I’m (this) card’ without actually knowing. Its a disservice to you, and those in the community who have their diagnosis and have buckled down and get on with it. And of course, we have our off days, but…our off days are made harder by the constant downplaying that our language, our communities, and to be honest, the world at large, operates under. Most of us do play the role of the victim too, which makes the cycle self perpetuating.

I’m making this open letter plain – please consider the lives of those around you – the at least 1 in four people, the world over, who are touched by mental health issues. 25% of the world, OR MORE, live with some form of mental health disorder, and we all live with the stigma that’s dual fold – depression is downplayed by the common use of the term in society today, and people can and DO self diagnose without medical opinion, whilst once we are diagnosed, we’re faced with a battle of educating, enlightening and aiding those that we come in contact with to understand who and what we are – and that though we define our illness, and it doesn’t control US, it does, in many ways, control our reactions, our thoughts, our perceptions and defines, emotionally at least, who we are, and how we handle situations of stress, pain, joy, anguish, pleasure. And those definitions are then straight jacketed by the beliefs of those around us. And its time for that to stop.

Mental health isn’t something that’s going to fix itself overnight – either in the personal sense of the survivors we encounter daily, or the survivors we become. Its also not going to go away – and as a global conciousness, I think its about time we REALLY adapted to the idea that people feel things deeply. And those depths can sometimes be painful – fatal.

So the next time you turn around and call someone insane, crazy, or tell them to pull themselves together, to buck up, to take a ‘chill pill’ or the next time you tell someone that a passing down phase is you ‘depressed’, spare a thought for those of us who live, thrive and survive under the very same conditions you’re using to call attention to your bad days. And remember that if you are depressed, though you don’t need the label to get help, the label itself can open the doors you need to the right sort of help, at the right times. And there’s no shame in knowing what you are – just a whole new world of experiences.

I’ve always found that getting to know another person is like going on an expedition to an uncharted, unexplored island.

My name is Kai, or D Kai Wilson, and I’m the woman who concepted and created this site. I’m also the woman who gets fed up once in a while and reworks it. I’m also bipolar one, and a firm believer in the core ethos of the site, ‘live, thrive and survive’.

I’m 27, the partner to one seriously adorable guy, and the mother of two small, wonderful children - without them, I would be lost. I’m a writer, publisher, editor, web designer, artist, programmer, photographer, poet, entrepreneur and dreamer.

I’m also an avid roleplayer.

Mostly though, I’m human - learning about myself and the way a disorder changes and shapes perceptions, reactions and feelings - its a personal journey that i get to share, occassionally.

And on November 12th (my birthday, yippee!) I get to share some more - Pictures in the dark, a bipolar’s guide to good mental health, is due for release. You can check out the pre-release information at my site, and watch this blog for future updates!
If you’d like to contribute, please use the contact link above - we’re always looking for new staff - otherwise, please, enjoy your stay.

(added back into the archives from retrieved files from the Internet archive)

Article Title:   Dare to Dream
Author Name:  Donna “Kai” Wilson
Contact Email Address:  Donnakaiwilson at gmail.com
Category:  Mental Health/motivational
Word Count:   657
Copyright Date:  2003
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dare to Dream
Donna “Kai” Wilson, web mistress/owner, Bipolarbears site
www.bi-polarbears.com

I was asked recently about my attitudes to work and why I do so many things. I was younger than the person in question, and thought I’m more established, I’ve only been working seriously for a year. This person was a success in her own right, though on a different level to me.

I raise my two children, both under 4, and care for my house and my family diligently. I own numerous companies and websites, and co-own an ‘enterprise’ that incorporates all of these ventures. I’m an article writer and moderator for a successful writers group, I work my ass off from 8 in the morning till 2 the next morning most days. I do this though because I want to.

My ‘secret’?

Basically I dare to dream. Many people I know don’t feel that they are worthy of following their dreams or even if they have followed it for a few years, to take the next step.

Daring to dream isn’t easy. Giving yourself permission to work guiltlessly is something that needs to be built upon.

The first step is acting professionally. If you are a SAHWP (stay at home Worker Parent) then you need to define boundaries and business practices. Give yourself permission to work during the day, even if it’s snatched here and there at first. Work out when your muse and optimal working times occur and take that first step to fulfilling your dreams. In other words, if you write best at three in the afternoon, with a hot cup of coffee and napping kids, do that. If you work best late at night, then do so, remembering though to cater to the needs of your sleeping patterns.

There is no point in telling people that you are a professional writer unless you reflect that in your work practices. Work practices are easily defined as the art of learning what is business and what is home. It’s a fine art, though relatively easy to master. It’s all about giving yourself permission to work.

Most of us equate work with pay and it’s sometimes hard to get paid as a start out freelance anything. Thinking of it as an investment in your future may be a comfort to you, but little comfort to those around you who expect that best selling piece yesterday. So, I give myself permissions. I am allowed to work for non-paying sites, it’s exposure and advertising. I am allowed to donate to friends, because the currency of friendship is global.

There is no point in conducting yourself as a professional and not taking on some business practices. At certain times of the day, my answering machine catches the phone calls, and I can decide whether to answer them or let them leave me a message. I expect my partner and his family to indulge my need to work on my own sometimes, and to that end, both my family and his take the children away a couple of times a month. I accomplish more when they are here though as they are my inspiration and part of my reason for working.

Finally, you have to give yourself permission to not be a perfectionist. If, like me, you see housework as never-ending, I’d suggest joining a program like Flylady (www.flylady.net). She tells you how to clean without procrastinating, and how to do it in small steps. It has made a major difference to the amount of time I spend cleaning, and my house is cleaner than ever. Less junk, less mess. And while you declutter your house, declutter your soul.

Guilt has no place in the hearts of anyone who wants to make themselves a success. I used to tear myself apart cause I worked long hours writing and doing artwork, just as I did when I worked outside the home when my son was a baby. I couldn’t do it. So the next time the guilt bug bites…dare to dream!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

By Donna “Kai” Wilson. http://personal.kaiberie.com for all her current works and news.

The webmaven and owner of the Bipolarbears site, she is a passionate campaigner for accurate information regarding the true nature of mental health aspects and the correct diagnosis of those who need to be helped.

www.bi-polarbears.com

Last month I touched on acceptance and how it affects our attitude. The ultimate truth in all our lives is that no matter what our beliefs, no matter what we tell ourselves, sooner or later, if unchecked, un accepted and unmonitored, our mental health issues could cause problems. Problems that can be minimized or at least anticipated to a certain degree if it is accepted there is a reason for how we are feeling.

It’s a fleeting moment most of the time: understanding that what you are doing is not directly within your control, but with adjustment could be. It sounds funny, but control, like every other imposed pattern, relative and highly subjective to the level of acceptance you carry with you.

I know a lot of people that I attend the local mental health unit with who still deny their diagnosis. Two of them are hospitalized, on average, once a year, their families cannot deal with them, and are a mess. They know it too, but still won’t accept that they are X. Treatment for them is a circle, and a rather vicious one at that. Medication, counseling, they think they are better, and sometimes they are, though relapse is something that some of us face. And then….well, then they either are fine and continue with their life and don’t get any worse, or something triggers the cycle again. Sometimes it is never gone and people fool themselves into thinking things are ok. Back at the beginning of the cycle, sometimes people feel it’s hopeless, sometimes they believe they’ll be fine. And then, in many cases, the circle starts again, with the added element of knowing that you’ve been here before. Acceptance could change that circle to a spiral, or remove it completely.

Acceptance, especially of a mental health issue, is perceived as defeat. Perception can be relative though, and the relativity of every situation is based, in part on tolerance.

Tolerance and acceptance are bed mates: long thought to be a mythological status, some people can take infinite pain and suffering. Others cry when they type too hard, or when they bark their shin. There’s usually a connection between the two, your tolerance increases the more you accept. You can tolerate your own weaknesses, and those of others, without making excuses for yourself, or them.

You can tolerate people asking questions, without getting up tight or giving advice that you do not feel comfortable with, because you are comfortable inside your own skin.
Acceptance is about realizing that you are YOU, with or without the labels. A person isn’t their job, isn’t their status, isn’t their home, isn’t their hair or eye colour. Their name is another label; it means nothing to your personal ID, not when it comes down to it, or we wouldn’t be able to adopt different names and remain the same person. Labels are for definition, and society is geared to understanding ‘where you fit’. Acceptance is about truly knowing the answer to that one and supplying it with confidence, along with anything that people need to know. And it is that crunch that needs to be addressed in anyone with mental health concerns.

Our personality, underneath, above, around our concerns, is probably constant, though sometimes we don’t realism it. There is no way to tell if we would be different “without” because behavior in most people, on the surface is in a constant state of flux. Like the waves of the sea, we change. We change in different circumstances, in different context. It’s like having a room decorated for different visitors; we adjust our behavior in the presence of others. Beneath all that though, is the person in the centre of it all. At the eye of what probably sometimes feels like a storm is a beautiful person in need of acceptance. Understanding that is the beginning to dealing with any mental health concern.

This acceptance is actually two-fold. The first is acknowledgment that there are influences to our behaviour that need to be tracked and either controlled or allowed for without making excuse and the other is to accept that though this is us, it’s not US. We are not the sum of our actions, and though they are sometimes all others remember about us, that in understanding that sometimes things are outside of our control, we can actually work to minimize ‘damage’.